Intent v. Feeling
Hello! Tomorrow is the election, but in lieu of sharing my panic and dread, allow me to winge, instead, about intent and feelings. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Does intent ever matter? It matters when you’re being tried for murder. But does it matter in any other context? I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but your feelings were hurt. I didn’t mean to be a sexist , but you felt marginalized anyway.
Mostly I think what matters is how we feel because mostly, what we feel isn’t an accident. But I gotta say, lately I am starting to rethink my premise. I mean, what if Joe buys apples and Carla is hurt because Joe did not buy a Honda. “You should have bought a Honda!” Carla is a screamer and so when she screams, the whole neighborhood knows what she and Joe are arguing about. Joe is more retiring, nonverbal almost, so people think what he does say tends to matter, though this is often not the case. Joe says, “But I’m at the supermarket? And we agreed I was going to buy apples?” The fight lasts deep into the night and spills over into the morning’s waffles, which Joe has made from a mix because this is an easy way to show Carla he loves her no matter what she says.
Context is everything and so for all I know, there’s a lot more going on here than either Joe or Carla is willing to admit or is even able to acknowledge. Power dynamics. Money. History. But all the same, is there no universe in which Joe’s not having meant to hurt Carla trumps Carla’s feelings? And who gets to say? Honoring each other’s feelings—not dismissing them, anyway—seems pretty key to a good relationship. Does it matter if you think those feelings are insane? Maybe your response is: Don’t be in relationships with people whose feelings you think are insane. Fine. But we don’t always get to choose and anyway, that’s probably not a good way to depolarize the world.
I find all of this very confusing. Historically, for me, self-interrogation has always ended in guilt and humiliation—for what I said, did, etc. But lately, it’s just ending in hysteria for being unable to see where I went wrong. Is this what happens when you hit MIDDLE AGE? You double-down? Avenues for redress and feedback close off? Or is it more that you’re just less quick to embrace all the self-loathing that accompanies having fucked up? Maybe there’s a third option that has to do with being increasingly confounded by a culture that elevates feelings over fact. Like: I didn’t storm the Capitol, I was just expressing my pain. Of course, an argument like this segues right into the hands of, say, the #MeToo deniers who are all like: Hey, I didn’t do anything wrong and if you felt uncomfortable or power-played, that’s your problem.
Which brings me back to intent (and away from facts vs fake news, which seems related, albeit tangentially). So: does intent matter? It probably does come judgment day. And in the context of self-esteem and regard. But it probably matters not at all anywhere else. Carla is hurt and Joe has to live with her and so maybe the best he can do is respect that she feels hurt even if he can’t understand why. Does this help Joe figure out how to not hurt her again? Nope. Joe is screwed. And will spend the rest of his days mulling over being outmatched by the world and its demands and often dream of running away from it all to raise puppies while buying apples at the supermarket. And yet, poor Joe? I don’t think so.